Mortar That Holds Us: or 7 Things

You never know what little bundle of encouragements artists carry around with them, what little pats on the back from what hands, what newspaper clipping, what word of hope from what teacher. I suppose that the so-called faith in ourselves is the foundation of our talent, but I am sure these encouragements are the mortar that hold it together. ~ Luciano Pavarotti

 

Hurt by others. Hurt by myself. Hurting others. My world was such a revolving swirl of hurt that there was nowhere else to run to except behind a gray cold wall to escape. I made a room of nothing. Nothing could get in. Nothing would get out. Nothing should ever touch me again.

I grew into self-doubt and loathing. Little by little, my heart became hardened and disconnected. It’s just not that way anymore. You helped me to see.

However you believe God created the world, I believe this: That when God created His greatest gift, He wondered where to hide it so that it would not be misused or abused. Would He place it at the top of the highest mountain or bury it at the bottom of the deepest sea? Could He entomb it deep within the core of the planet, or encase it in the thickest forest?

After much pondering He decided. The safest place where few would look would be inside the human being.

Ahhhh, you discovered the secret, didn’t you? You showed me where to look.

7 obscure facts about myself:

1) I won my first art award in the fourth grade, and I still carry that accomplishment in my heart as a sign of who I am destined to be.

2) When I was the age of 15 my sister, who shared a bedroom with me, woke up one night to find an angel dressed in a brilliant blue dress standing over my bed. This I consider to be the reason why I survived my disease and I acknowledge that we all are surrounded by angels.

3) At the age of 18 I named my daughter. When I was 20 years old doctors told me I would never conceive. Infertility runs in my family. My biological brothers never had their own children. Therefore I’ve never used birth control.

4) At the age of 30 and 33 I gave birth to a girl and a boy, both home birthed in their bedrooms with the assistance of a midwife. I endured the shortest labor ever, three and a half hours. I named my daughter the same name I desired for her when I was 18. In Hebrew her name means “Source of Joy”. These children I consider to be my greatest gift from God.

5) My favorite color is purple, blue purple, not red purple. Purple in an artist’s dictionary depicts the color of royalty, and signifies great self esteem, which I only wish I had. I’m also partial to dusty rose. I can never wear yellow because it makes me look I have hepatitis.

6) I had my first ear surgery when I was 10. I’ve had consecutive surgeries since then. I don’t hear very well out of my left ear, and have learned to compensate by reading lips. Don’t talk about me at a distance. I’ll know what you are saying.

7) I’ve had three cats in a row named Amos. I love that name for a cat but have since let that go.

Love is the treasure that we carry. You taught me that we get to have love by giving it away. In sharing it with other living beings we open up the lifeline that connects us to others, that links us to ourselves, that bonds us to God.

Let me love you until you can love yourself, you said. And you did.

Which is why I appreciate this gift from Syd, and am grateful for all the others who have shared this “award” too. It’s an award of love and I accept it from the depth of my heart, and pass it on to my new friend Jay at Jay’s Day That Was, my longer time friend Grace at Letting Go-Finding Hope Through Al-Anon, and to my interesting friend “Herself” at Bona Vacantia, The Musings of a Lurcher.

“He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In!”
From the poem " Outwitted” ― Edwin Markham

Every day matters.