After The Holidays Blues

It’s mostly cloudy over the little city that I live in today. Such is the way I awoke this morning. I can’t readily describe to you the feelings I am feelings as they are a mixture of something old and something new.

Old are the familiar feelings of loss and grief as I’m considering the text message I received from my son’s father asking what time the boy is going to arrive back in Wisconsin on Wednesday. I have so enjoyed his being here.

Familiar too are the feelings of loss and grief as I finish boxing up the basement. Yes, there were many things to go through which brought back memories of those times when I wore and lost that one earring. I could not throw it away incase I found the other. I let it go now. Years later, there is no hope of finding it.

All of the junk that I needed to let go of was promptly thrown into the dumpster. More boxes are packed into the back of my car to be taken for donation. Still there is one box, the years of accumulated Christmas ornaments, that seem to be causing me the most resistance. I don’t really understand why. I haven’t used them in years, nor have I wanted to.

There is fear today. Fear of being alone. Fear of trying something new. Fear that it won’t work out. Fear that something will dreadfully go wrong. Fear that I won’t be able to fix it. Fear for the future.

Yet, behind all these clouds that cover the view I know the blue sky still exists. What I’m feeling today are only feelings. Thank God I am human and alive, awake in a colorful emotional environment. I know that these sometimes dark and obscure clouds pass through my sky, they never stay, and never once has God deserted me.

Mixed in with fear and loss and grieving are also feelings of hope and encouragement. Things are changing. They always do. There are dreams on the horizon that I get to walk toward and I think these ideals are good. The more “things” that I let go of the freer I become, but it’s like giving birth. It hurts a little.

I’m past the days when I made Christmas for little children. My children are not little anymore. They move on into their own lives and I have to let them go. It’s like giving birth again, and it hurts a little.

As my holiday closes with the departure of my son, as the boxes get sealed shut and Happy New Year wishes fade to yesterday’s remembrances, I move into the reality of this new year. Not resting on my laurels, not holding on to what was, I see it’s a day where more work needs to get done so I move toward doing it.

I’m not forgetting to take care of myself today. It’s an important thing for me to remember. To me it means to be gentle with myself. I’m taking some time to watch clouds go by, and I’m aware of the mental lists I’m planning for the upcoming week's things to do, but realizing, more than anything: I can make the best of this day only.

Every day matters.