The Four M's

Some relief came in for a few days when my son’s elementary school friend traveled to visit us for a few days. My vacation starts on Wednesday. In the meantime I still have to work.

Working night shifts makes our visit somewhat weirder than most normal households, but my son is as nocturnal as I am, so we connect in the wee hours of the morning.

His friend visiting was a welcomed distraction for me. I was relieved to feel let off the hook in needing to, or wanting to entertain. Two twenty one year olds can entertain themselves.

In the meantime, on the work front, things are really busy. Asked to work overtime on Friday night I put in 10 hours. It was the last day of the pay period so the extra time helped to bolster my upcoming pay check. I was grateful.

The next night, when asked to work over again, I said I couldn’t. I really didn’t feel like I could. I was tired. Sleep too incomplete, and  back in the kitchen cooking for the boys the next day, I declined another opportunity for overtime. Besides, there were other’s who might want to take their turn.

But instead of letting me go, after I said no I could not stay, I was intentionally kept on a game until way past the time I should have clocked out. There was nothing I could do about it. Feeling trapped and deceived I worked the extra time.

I was livid.

“If I was really working a good program, I wouldn’t feel angry.” “I don’t get angry. I’m a Christian. I forgive and forget.” “I’m not angry. I’m affirming that I’m happy.”

I was pissed. And I was still upset about it the next day.

Okay. So some of what I did about it was not okay. Some things I did to handle this was the right thing to do.

Not okay: I complained about the incident in the break room, talking about the offending supervisor behind her back, venting my frustration. For the most part I received my co-worker’s sympathy.

Not okay: when the offending supervisor came in to work her shift the next night I ignored her. I responded to her casual comments toward me with a punishing silence. My intent was to give her the message that her treatment of me was not okay. It could have been the prime opportunity for me to calmly tell to her how I felt, yet I still did not feel calm about the incident.

I did go to my immediate supervisor and told her about what happened. Not having been involved in the discretion, and being someone that I trusted to listen to me, I felt safe in letting her know in rational statements how I felt about being kept at work against my will.

“Part of working a program means acknowledging and dealing with our feelings. We strive to accept and deal with our anger so it doesn’t harden into resentments. We don’t use recovery as an excuse to shut down our emotions.”

Today I called my sponsor. And even though she confirmed that my emotions are valid, she helped me to recognize better ways to handle this situation. Watch out for the four M’s: Mothering, Martyring, Manipulating, and Managing.

Oh, I could be the martyr in this case, and I feel victimized, used and abused. But no one was really thinking about me, picked me out personally, conspired against me before they came in to work that night. They were considering their own agenda. I just happened to be standing in the path to their realizing their goals. It might have been anybody really, so QTIP it. (Quit Taking It Personally).

Yesterday I indulged myself in feeling angry about it. Today I’m letting it go. This really isn’t something I want to, need to, carry around with me. What’s done is done.

Every day God gives me another chance to do things differently, better perhaps, or learn another lesson. Maybe tonight I will get the chance to say something constructive to the offending boss that allows me to be honest in a clear cut, straight forward way. Something that I did not feel I could do yesterday.

If I proceed with a better attitude I’m sure that will help.

Every day matters.