AA Mafia

Waking up this morning I felt unloved and unlovable. It stemmed from an encounter last night at the casino when Washer/Dryer Guy showed up at my table. He wasn’t there to play. He was meeting a friend for dinner. While his friend played blackjack, he sat down at the otherwise empty table and the three of us chatted.

I have to say, Washer/Dryer Guy was looking pretty good, but then I’ve always thought that. But didn’t he tell me I’m not his type because I don’t drink?

Waking up this morning I did what I’ve done since I was nine years old, go through a mental list of all the things I need to change about myself to become more attractive. If only I was X then Y would happen.

In mid thought, I knew I’d learned enough to know that was malarkey and put down the list to check my phone for calls I missed while I was working.

I called the friend who urgently needed to talk about her experience with another friend, and I’m only going to say this:

If someone calls me up threatening suicide, and they tell me when, and they tell me how, I’m going to call the police.

My experience working with multiple, multiple suicide cases taught me one thing--I believe all of us who have had this in our lives would agree--talk of suicide is a subject to be taken very seriously.

It’s like screaming bomb in an airport.

Although I know the Big Book says if someone wants to go out and drink again we should take our hats off to them. I want to help those who want to be helped, and do what I can to intervene if it is possible and asked for, but live and let live. I don’t cause consequences from other people’s behavior and I don’t prevent consequences in other people’s lives. Suicide is different.

I think calling the police sets good boundaries. If suicide is stated as a real initiative (or even if it‘s just meant as an idle manipulative threat), calling the authorities will be the most help that can be offered. Locking someone up temporarily protects them from themselves, allows them an opportunity at professional diagnosis, and is the quickest way to set in motion the gears that will take them to the destination of their best cure. Honestly, in the case of suicide, to guess the motive then find out the truth may be too late.

On my way to an Al-Anon meeting I was waylaid by my friend Laney on the sidewalk going into the same church. She was going to attend the AA meeting so I decided to go to that room with her.

The topic of the meeting was on gratitude for being sober. I felt sadness for addicts whose cry for help is: “I can’t stop using so I’m gonna kill myself”. I recognize this emotionally painful end of it all scenario that I’ve descended to many times in my addiction. I’ve witnessed the repercussions of death from suicide in other alcoholics and addicts.

In a room with thirty others, doing the deal, living life on life’s own terms, talking of being grateful alcoholics, some were recovering addicts too, I thought to myself…yeah, I GET to be HERE.

I found my people there, talked to them after the meeting, and received a lot of hugs. In the parking lot I saw my fellow Al-Anon group members leaving their meeting, and touched bases with some of them.

Getting my car cleaned at the car wash, I ran into still other AA friends. When I went to the store I ran into two more friends from the program there too. Every where I went today I found several people to hug.

Being in the program is like being in the Mafia. We are a family and family is everywhere.

I got over the loneliness of not having a significant other in my life in a heartbeat. I realize my singleness gives me an ability to work on our singleness of purpose. I’m always available to help, even if it’s just talking to another suffering person on the phone. The majority of the time I enjoy my freedom.

As I learn that my life is more about spiritual connections than the physical outward appearances or comparing myself to what other‘s have, I’m able to touch on the truth of how my life is exactly the way it is suppose to be. My life is not perfect, but God has chosen perfectly all that I have in my life right now. When or if anything is suppose to change I’m sure God will let me know.

Every day matters.