Friends

Living with a roommate is, so far, a real treat for me. We have a lot of space between us in this huge house, but at least once a day we cross paths--mostly meeting in the kitchen.

I like her. I’ve known her now for over a year. At one point in our relationship I sponsored her, and we worked through some steps, but she relapsed. When she came back she decided to start afresh working with someone new. I’m glad we were still able to maintain a friendship. She now has eight months sober under her belt.

So every day we have met, like I said, in the kitchen, and inevitably we talk about something that affects our program.

Interestingly she brought up the topic of my daily reading today from The Language of Letting Go, “Stopping Victimization”. Why do we continue unhealthy, oppressive relationships?

I choose to be friends today with people who sincerely care about me and respect my boundaries. I try to invest in relationships when I learn that they are investing in their own healthy boundaries. The longer I stay sober and centered the more true friends I feel like I am acquiring, but it takes being present and aware and energy in investing.

I’m liking more this world that I’m living in.

As my room-mate is struggling with a long time relationship that offers her no respect, I ask her why she feels the compulsion to stay with it. It’s a question that she will have to answer for herself, and I trust her answers will come. I ask myself where I stand on some issues in relationships that cause me to wonder.

I have a brother that has separated himself from our family. I thought of him today as I was reading and I’m asking myself how far do I need to press this issue with him? If someone does not want to be around me do I need to chase them down to ask them why?

Doesn’t he have the right to set limits on what he wants in his life?

My intuition tells me with Valentine’s Day approaching a card simply stating that I love him and miss him will be appropriate enough. It’s been over a decade since I contacted my brother. My part will be to let him know I’m willing. After that I prayed for God’s hand in turning over the situation to be whatever is suppose to happen next.

Instead of chasing people to make them like me, or finding people who don’t and trying to make them be who I want them to be, I can relax by becoming aware that there are already people who want to be in my circle. I like the people that I like. I’m grateful that more and more often I meet them.

When I was a child I thought it was important to have more friends that might propel me into some status of popularity. It didn’t matter who the people were as long as my circle was filled.

As I have matured and grown older I find the need to filter out all the undesirable baloney. It’s not that I can’t be nice. Al-Anon teaches me social etiquette's that get me through the common world, but I get to pick the people I want to share the intimacies of being me. They get to pick me to share themselves with also.

Drinking and drugs used to protect me from my fears of social interactions, fear of rejection and of being hurt, and my lack of self esteem and ability to know how to protect myself put me in some precarious situations. I was without limits and boarders which either leaked uncontrollably or held everything back.

Today I’m learning about the safety and kindness of boundaries, what to let out and what to hold back and how to look for tell-tell signs in knowing when to trust. My world feels so much safer now.

When I come across situations that continue to baffle me, or I stay in places that regenerates lessons until I learn them, I get to have a program and people who help guide me through this deal called living.

Today I do it sober. No place to run. No place to hide. Head up. Eyes open. Heart in hand. I’m learning to make better decisions about the people who get to come into my life.

Every day matters.

Detachment

Detachment is a subject that I believe cannot be over written. Once again it becomes the solution that comes into play. Detach from the situation. Detach from other people’s actions. Detach from my own behaviors and thoughts for the time being until I can get a clear idea as to what is going on.

Detachment. It was my eventual word for yesterday and it worked.

It’s great having a friend who has celebrated so many years of sobriety. Like good friends, she has her issues that she’s trusted me to listen to, and I in turn get to talk about what’s going on with me. It’s what we do. We talk, to selected trusted comrades,  until we get to the end of what we need to talk about and when it’s time for action we stop talking and start doing.

Sometime the action is as simple as detachment.

I told Laney yesterday that I have this compulsion to go to work and continue the conversation with my boss about the incident of yesterday. It’s just my way of making myself feel better, I know, hoping my boss will say something that will fix my anger, pain, frustration, disappointment. I want to over analyze, over compensate, over indulge in trying to make everything right.

Laney gave me some sage advice. She suggested I just let it go.

So I went into work last night with a determination to not talk about it anymore. My amends--to show up with a great attitude toward my work, treat everyone with kindness, concentrate on doing my job to the best of my ability.

At the end of my shift I found that whatever my problems were yesterday I did not have to drag them into the next day. Not that I’m perfect. I did discuss the incident with one of my closest co-workers. It helped that she commiserated with me on how we have such a clientele in our line of work. Otherwise, the whole evening went well, uneventful, calm, and flowed smoothly.

What my sponsor just explained is if I choose to stay in the resentment I lose contact with what it is that God has in front of me to be present for today. There were times, in an emotional blackout, that I’ve driven my car not remembering where I’ve just traveled. The same thing happens when I’m caught up in the resentments and negative emotions of the moment. I miss the opportunity to be of service to my Higher Power to whatever situation is before me now.

In the present, being present, accepting the presents of the moment.

Every day matters.

Revenge

I am seething with anger when last night a player on my game took a shot at trying to cheat. It happens. It’s the nature of the beast. Yet it’s my job to be on the lookout for such activity, and when I find it I always seem to take it personally.

It is my job that’s on the line, and my personal security that they are threatening.

Last night the opportunity arose as a result of an initial mistake that was made on my part. In the beginning of this hand I did not take the time to survey the layout for possible betting inaccuracies. As a result, and feeling inadequate on my part, I’m feeling the assault to steal from the house even more personally.

It’s a trigger to an old alcoholic upbringing, feeling the need to always be perfect. If I’m not then something bad will happen.

Not that I was able to let it go immediately. I’m still indignant that the bettor got away with their play administered by the instructions of my supervisor to fix the situation by letting them have the money. By this time it’s none of my business, I know, so acceptingly I decide to deal the rest of the game in silence. It’s better to say nothing at all than to come out with some wise crack that I really want to make.

One situation can devastate a whole night, yet you taught me that I don’t have to carry that moment with me. I know every table I go to in a given night’s work will be different. I acknowledged to myself that if I had not made the mistake to begin with none of this would have happened.

Mistakes happen.

It doesn’t mean the feelings of anger and resentment left me. Still this morning I woke up carrying the residues of what happened with an uncomfortable sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and a sore mouth from grinding teeth all night. It’s a tell-tell sign.

This particular player is one I see often and have never liked much. There are a few people I have feelings for in this way but there’s always been a way for me to deal with them amicably with kindness. Not this player now. I want to exact revenge. I’m thinking in the future I will punish them with my silence. They will never feel welcome on my game again.

I’ve had the opportunity to talk about my feelings this morning. I called my sponsor and she gave me the task of working on a resentment inventory. I did do that. As I look at my part, and only my part, I’m becoming more comfortable with the insight of things that I can change, and the things and people that I cannot.

Being angry is normal. Elevating the situation into the red zone is not. Letting go is a process.

Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness -- forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward. ~ Language of Letting Go; Sept. 16

As much as I would like to dole out to my personal offenders their just rewards it’s not my place. I do not get to be the judge and jury for justice in this case. I may never trust this player again, and will now be more aware to keep my guard up, it doesn’t mean that I have to be mean.

This week at an AA meeting I heard a share that reminds me what turning the other cheek means. It could imply that when we are offended by someone we turn from the painful, hurtful situation and take it to God. That’s what I’m going to do, and if there is an amend I need to make tonight I am going to considering what that might be.

Now I have to go as I’ve made plans to visit my friend Laney. She’s celebrating a recovery birthday of 27 years sober. There is a better part of my life that I can walk into today.

Every day matters.

Action

I almost feel like I’m out of practice, yet I told myself by the first of February I will be back in action--writing action that is, even though I am a little behind schedule.

This morning I had to put my desk together.

I found a great spot in my room in front of this wonderful view. Then I lowered the blinds because of the glaring light. Oh well. I still like this spot.

It’s been a well planned moved with room for deviations. I gave away a lot of stuff I never use, and will never use again. I found the treasures of my life that I want to hold to. I asked for help. I took appropriate breaks. I didn’t miss meetings. Sparingly, I still called my sponsor and kept my usual appointments with friends.

The saddest part was putting my cats up for adoption, which is difficult for me to talk about but I’m mentioning it here right now. I could have brought them here but I didn’t feel it would be in their best interest to live in one room after having a whole house to meander. They are pedigree cats. I was told they’d find a new home quickly and would be kept together.

I’m grateful that I got to love them for the time that they lived with me. They were great companions.

Now I live with three dogs. They belong to my new roommate.

I learned a lot of things about myself through the excavation of my personal belongings and changing residences. Maybe too much to talk about in my first post back, but hopefully my new awareness’s will transcend into whatever I write about next in coming days.

Action for me, as of late, has been to keep my number one commitment: stay sober. If I don’t stay sober everything that makes my life good today will go to hell in a hand basket.

No matter how hectic my plans for the day may be, I still need to read literature in the morning, meditate, pray, turn my life and my will over to the care of God so I can stay sober. It doesn’t matter, I heard in a meeting, whether I make mistakes or not. If I’m sober I can get through anything.

Taking care of today, just these 24 hours, doing what needs to be done in every minute that I make those decisions to do the next appropriate thing, I know I’ve taken the action to bring to tomorrow a chance for better. Little by little, baby step by baby step, just by all the days I stayed sober all of my tomorrows have proved to bring me to the best life I’ve ever lived.

Action for me means to stay plugged in. It’s my number one concern as I have a tendency to isolate. This puts me in a dangerous place. I need my program of people who surround me and help me stay in the right mind and positive attitude of recovery.

Which brings me to telling you how much I’ve missed you guys while I was moving, and I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long. I want to make amends for not telling you of my plans to take a writing break. It was wrong because in sharing my intensions I could have made you, my friends, more apart of my process. Next time I make such a plan I will let you know.

It feels right sized where I am now. Beautiful and spacious, I have everything I need to live well. I have lots of privacy when I want it and a room mate which makes me feel connected and not so alone. Last night we went to a meeting together, then out to dinner with friends.

My thoughts were I needed to leave town to find this kind of security, but I’m convinced now that God had other plans.

But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be." ~ BB; pg 42

Every day matters.

When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens

Sedona

It probably started the day before yesterday, knowing the time was getting down to the wire, preparing my son to be taken to the airport. I helped him by laundering his clothes. It’s a favorite mindless chore I do. Washing clothes, transferring them to the dryer, folding them while watching TV, putting everything away in it’s proper place. There’s not much to think about there.

He was sick all the way to the airport. He hates traveling and the thought of the ordeal ahead I think turned his stomach. By the time we pulled into the airport parking garage he was throwing up outside at the front of the car.

There was nothing I could do for him, except offer him my 7-up. I can help in small ways but I cannot take his anxiety away. We talked about it and he told me how he would cut the trip up into small segments. Find his flight. Get on the plane. Stop for a layover. Get on the next plane. I told him how smart he was to do that.

I asked him if he wanted me to go the ticket counter with him. He said that he did. Relieved that he’d let me spend as much of my last minutes with him as I could, I did not want to encroach on his abilities to find his way by himself if that’s what he wanted. I walked him as far as I could to the departing gate. My chest constricting as I felt like my heart was being ripped from the inside.

“Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.” Paul Young’s song kept swirling around my head. It’s just how I felt.

To offset what I knew I would face entering my empty home, I stopped at the grocery store. It gave me just enough time to not be alone, getting back from my drive to Phoenix in time to put away my purchases and then make it to my 3 p.m. Al-Anon meeting.

My ex-husband texted me, asking if I was alright. He knows. He goes through this too every time his children leave him and it was so considerate of him to remember me that I cried.

The topic of the Al-Anon meeting was on boundaries. It was a great meeting for me to attend, not only because I got to be in the presence of my friends, a group of people who embrace me as a part of this group, but because in listening to other’s share their experience I get to remember what boundaries mean. I live in the circle of my life and allow others to live in the circle of theirs. I shared about letting my son go. He has his life and I’m sure he was eager to get back to it.

When I got home I started the washer and dryer again. This time I broke down his bed and washed all the bedding. Bringing up boxes from the basement I packed the rest of his clothes that I will send to him. Christmas was good so he used up most of the room in his one suitcase. I boxed up all the extra bedding I have for the spare bedroom. I won’t need it when I move. Another family may enjoy all the moon and stars I’d used to decorate it. Besides, it’s time for a change.

I am keeping one small 4x4 inch picture that will remind me when my children where small and they lived within my world. Now they reach for their own moon and stars, they navigate their own worlds, and within my own boundaries I let them.

Today I woke up feeling much better, like everything is just the way it is suppose to be. I am alright as I course my path through all of life’s changes. The day before yesterday Grand Canyon Guy (see story here) called me, as he does from time to time, but this time the phone call was different.

You may remember we had sort-of-a-thing once. I met him in an Al-Anon meeting a couple of years ago when he used to winter here from his home in Iowa. We spent the entire season together, showing him places he‘d never seen, taking many pictures together. I really like him, I mean, I like who he is. He’s always been a good friend.

I think he asked me to move to Iowa, or at least he offered me a place to live there. I think in previous conversations he had hinted at this by mentioning the number of casinos in his area, but I wasn’t listening. I don’t know if I’m listening now, but I’m willing to consider…

When one door closes, another door opens.

I turned the conversation in this direction: I asked him when he would be back for a visit again. Perhaps, he said, he would consider a trip soon. “I think I’ll find a place in Sedona this time since we liked it there so much before.” 




We did spend a lot of time taking pictures in Sedona.

Every day matters

After The Holidays Blues

It’s mostly cloudy over the little city that I live in today. Such is the way I awoke this morning. I can’t readily describe to you the feelings I am feelings as they are a mixture of something old and something new.

Old are the familiar feelings of loss and grief as I’m considering the text message I received from my son’s father asking what time the boy is going to arrive back in Wisconsin on Wednesday. I have so enjoyed his being here.

Familiar too are the feelings of loss and grief as I finish boxing up the basement. Yes, there were many things to go through which brought back memories of those times when I wore and lost that one earring. I could not throw it away incase I found the other. I let it go now. Years later, there is no hope of finding it.

All of the junk that I needed to let go of was promptly thrown into the dumpster. More boxes are packed into the back of my car to be taken for donation. Still there is one box, the years of accumulated Christmas ornaments, that seem to be causing me the most resistance. I don’t really understand why. I haven’t used them in years, nor have I wanted to.

There is fear today. Fear of being alone. Fear of trying something new. Fear that it won’t work out. Fear that something will dreadfully go wrong. Fear that I won’t be able to fix it. Fear for the future.

Yet, behind all these clouds that cover the view I know the blue sky still exists. What I’m feeling today are only feelings. Thank God I am human and alive, awake in a colorful emotional environment. I know that these sometimes dark and obscure clouds pass through my sky, they never stay, and never once has God deserted me.

Mixed in with fear and loss and grieving are also feelings of hope and encouragement. Things are changing. They always do. There are dreams on the horizon that I get to walk toward and I think these ideals are good. The more “things” that I let go of the freer I become, but it’s like giving birth. It hurts a little.

I’m past the days when I made Christmas for little children. My children are not little anymore. They move on into their own lives and I have to let them go. It’s like giving birth again, and it hurts a little.

As my holiday closes with the departure of my son, as the boxes get sealed shut and Happy New Year wishes fade to yesterday’s remembrances, I move into the reality of this new year. Not resting on my laurels, not holding on to what was, I see it’s a day where more work needs to get done so I move toward doing it.

I’m not forgetting to take care of myself today. It’s an important thing for me to remember. To me it means to be gentle with myself. I’m taking some time to watch clouds go by, and I’m aware of the mental lists I’m planning for the upcoming week's things to do, but realizing, more than anything: I can make the best of this day only.

Every day matters.

Mortar That Holds Us: or 7 Things

You never know what little bundle of encouragements artists carry around with them, what little pats on the back from what hands, what newspaper clipping, what word of hope from what teacher. I suppose that the so-called faith in ourselves is the foundation of our talent, but I am sure these encouragements are the mortar that hold it together. ~ Luciano Pavarotti

 

Hurt by others. Hurt by myself. Hurting others. My world was such a revolving swirl of hurt that there was nowhere else to run to except behind a gray cold wall to escape. I made a room of nothing. Nothing could get in. Nothing would get out. Nothing should ever touch me again.

I grew into self-doubt and loathing. Little by little, my heart became hardened and disconnected. It’s just not that way anymore. You helped me to see.

However you believe God created the world, I believe this: That when God created His greatest gift, He wondered where to hide it so that it would not be misused or abused. Would He place it at the top of the highest mountain or bury it at the bottom of the deepest sea? Could He entomb it deep within the core of the planet, or encase it in the thickest forest?

After much pondering He decided. The safest place where few would look would be inside the human being.

Ahhhh, you discovered the secret, didn’t you? You showed me where to look.

7 obscure facts about myself:

1) I won my first art award in the fourth grade, and I still carry that accomplishment in my heart as a sign of who I am destined to be.

2) When I was the age of 15 my sister, who shared a bedroom with me, woke up one night to find an angel dressed in a brilliant blue dress standing over my bed. This I consider to be the reason why I survived my disease and I acknowledge that we all are surrounded by angels.

3) At the age of 18 I named my daughter. When I was 20 years old doctors told me I would never conceive. Infertility runs in my family. My biological brothers never had their own children. Therefore I’ve never used birth control.

4) At the age of 30 and 33 I gave birth to a girl and a boy, both home birthed in their bedrooms with the assistance of a midwife. I endured the shortest labor ever, three and a half hours. I named my daughter the same name I desired for her when I was 18. In Hebrew her name means “Source of Joy”. These children I consider to be my greatest gift from God.

5) My favorite color is purple, blue purple, not red purple. Purple in an artist’s dictionary depicts the color of royalty, and signifies great self esteem, which I only wish I had. I’m also partial to dusty rose. I can never wear yellow because it makes me look I have hepatitis.

6) I had my first ear surgery when I was 10. I’ve had consecutive surgeries since then. I don’t hear very well out of my left ear, and have learned to compensate by reading lips. Don’t talk about me at a distance. I’ll know what you are saying.

7) I’ve had three cats in a row named Amos. I love that name for a cat but have since let that go.

Love is the treasure that we carry. You taught me that we get to have love by giving it away. In sharing it with other living beings we open up the lifeline that connects us to others, that links us to ourselves, that bonds us to God.

Let me love you until you can love yourself, you said. And you did.

Which is why I appreciate this gift from Syd, and am grateful for all the others who have shared this “award” too. It’s an award of love and I accept it from the depth of my heart, and pass it on to my new friend Jay at Jay’s Day That Was, my longer time friend Grace at Letting Go-Finding Hope Through Al-Anon, and to my interesting friend “Herself” at Bona Vacantia, The Musings of a Lurcher.

“He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In!”
From the poem " Outwitted” ― Edwin Markham

Every day matters.